Three-card brag is a simple form of poker.
You get three cards only.
And these you can't change.
If you don't look at your cards, you're a blind man and you only put in half the stake.
Three of a kind is the highest you can get
but the odds are about 450 to 1 against getting any three.
Then there's running flush - you know, all the same suit, all in order.
Then there's a straight and a flush and a pair
and finally, whatever the highest card you've got.
Now, there are some telltale signs that can help
but it took me long enough to learn these, I'm not telling you.
But they can only help a player, not make one.
So... do you wanna play?
Sort the buyers from the spiers, the needy from the greedy
and those who trust me from those who don't.
'Cause if you can't see value here, you're not shopping, you're shoplifting.
You see these goods?
Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, Fanny By The Gaslight.
Take a bag, take a bag.
I took a bag home last night, cost me more than ten pound.
Anyone like jewelry? Look at that.
Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney,
as long as my arm, I wish it was as long as something else.
Don't think these boxes are empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker.
By the look of you, I'd make more money with me measuring tape.
One price, £10.
- Did you say£10? - Are you deaf?
- I'll take one. - Squeeze in if you can.
Left leg, right leg, they call it walking.
You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it, they're waking up.
Treat the wife, treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught.
You want one? Show me a bit of life, then. Don't stand there like one o'clock half struck.
You better buy 'em. These are not stolen.
They just haven't been paid for and we can't get them again, they've changed the locks.
No good coming back later when I've sold out.
"Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by
and you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Bacon! Cozzers!
Shit!
Ed can hustle a few quid but his real talent lies in cards
and gambling with cards.
Bacon could see that his days of selling moving goods are numbered.
It's time to move on and he knows it.
- Six foot one, that's perfect for my height. - Thirty-two? You're catching up with me.
- What you talking about? I'm skinny, pal. - Course you are. All right, Ed?
Nick the Greek. Tom, what have you been eating?
- I've been telling him... - Enough already.
You two, join me in my office.
- Soer... how much is it? - You know how much it is.
- And that includes the amp? - No. That does not include the amp.
- Shit, Tom. I thought it included the amp. - Well, it doesn't.
I'll throw in one of these telephones but it does not include the amp.
Very nice. I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers, it doesn't include the amp
and it doesn't include me getting the hump with your questions. You want it, you buy it.
- What else do I get? - You get a Rolls if you pay for it.
Dunno, Tom. Seems expensive.
Seems. Well, this seems to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop and you're complaining about 200?
What school of finance did you study? It's a deal, it's a steal,
it's sale of the fucking century.
- In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it. - All right, all right, keep your Alans on.
- Here's a ton. - Jesus Christ!
You could choke a dozen donkeys on that and you're haggling over £100?
What do you do when you're not buying stereos? Finance revolutions?
- £100 is still £100. - Not when the price is £200, it's not.
And not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your sky-rocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt. Let me feel the fiber of your fabric.
The skinny one is Tom and he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.
He's got a couple of dirty little fingers in a couple of dirty little pies.
Nick, however, has made it his business
to have all 20 fat little fingers and toes in every dirty bent and stolen pie in London.
Between the two of them, there ain't much you can't get hold of.
That's my 25 grand. It's all there.
I had to earn that, so you treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
What have you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I'm getting any fruit off of you. Call that fresh?
There was more small hairy-armored things in your fruit than there was fruit.
You should open a butcher's.
If you will order stuff from Katmandu, don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists.
Anyway, enough about that. Where's the money?
Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup!
Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean of any unlawful behavior.
He's proud of his job and even more proud that it's legal.
He represents the more sensible side of the four.
- You sure you can afford 25? - That depends on how you look at it.
I can afford it as long as I see it again.
- Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon? - The fat man, Bacon and myself.
Looks like it's time to make that call to Harry.
Who's this fat man, then, eh?
- Eh? - Do you want a sandwich, Bacon?
It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.
The amount of money involved has to be 100 grand upwards
and there's no shortage of punters.
The man who decides whether you can play or not is this man, Harry.
Or as some, including himself like to call him, Hatchet Harry.
You got it all?
- 100 grand. - Well, if you’ve got it, you've got it.
Now, if you don't mind.
What's this Eddie like, then?
He's a fucking thief.
Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man, Barry the Baptist.
The Baptist got his name by drowning people for Hatchet.
- Are you gonna fucking pay? - Yeah, I'll pay!
Barry makes sure the administrative side of the business runs harmoniously.
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards transparent. He's got...
- All right, all right. So we can say he's good. - He's better than good.
- He's a fucking liability. - Here, hold on.
What do you think of these? We're selling hundreds.
Very nice, Harry. What's it for?
Don't play the innocent, Bazzer. Spanking!
That's 25 from me, Tom, Soap and yourself - that's 100 grand to the pound.
- So why the fuck are you counting it? - 'Cause I like to.
A reasonable return should be in the region of 120 grand.
That's for 25 grand invested, going on previous experience.
Going on optimism.
Whatever. It should be enough to send you on a cooking course.
You're not funny, Tom. You're fat and look as though you should be but you're not.
Who are you calling...?
Jesus! It's good in here, innit?
Handy for the Tube, great electrics.
Don't knock it. It's cheap. Like the budgie.
And nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.
- Antisocial to say the least. - What do you mean?
He means they're thieving bastards.
I mean, when they're not picking peanuts out of poop,
they rip off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.
Not exactly thick, these walls.
Nice work. Get yourself a drink.
- Is that it? - How many times do I have to tell you?
You find us a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.
Now, have you got a problem with that? Charlie...
You know, Charles, this gear is getting heavier.
I've a strong suspicion we should've been rocket scientists
or... Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
Peace Prize?
Be lucky to find your penis for piss tonight if you keep smoking.
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I'm all right?
Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking sweat at any second.
Charles, why have we got that cage?
Er... security?
That's right. That's right. Security.
So what's the point in having it if we’re not gonna fucking use it?
Well, I would've used it, Winston, but this is Willie and Willie lives here.
Yes, Charles, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?
Chill, Winston!
It's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?
The problem is, Willie, that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats,
so just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked!
- What is that? - That's Gloria.
Yes, I know that's Gloria. What's that?
Er... fertilizer.
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter
and you come back with a semiconscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer?
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
- We need fertilizer, Winston. - Mm-hm. We also need a money counter.
This money's got to be out by Thursday. I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.
Oh, and if you do have to buy sodding fertilizer,
could you be a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer.
You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.
That's what I mean, Willie.
- How long's he been in there, son? - About 20 minutes.
- Is he on his own? - Yeah. He's carrying a bag.
Let's pay him a little visit, then, shall we?
Big Chris settles debts for Harry.
The only thing he cares more about than an unsettled debt
is his son and heir, Little Chris.
This is one of them high-power jobs, innit?
Oh!
- I've got some bad news for you, John. - What the fuck...?
- You mind your language in front of the boy. - Jesus Christ!
That includes blasphemy, as well.
Now, tell me, John. How can you be concentrating on improving this lovely tan -
and it is a lovely tan, by the way -
when you've got more pressing priorities at hand?
Tell Harry...
Did I say speak?
And it's Mr. Harry to you.
Now, don't disappoint me. Choose your words very carefully.
You may now...
...speak.
Tell Harry- I mean, Mr. Harry- I've been busy. I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, son.
I don't suppose there's any chance of you lifting this sunbed up?
He's not poor. He's got over a monkey just in his wallet.
Fucking hell, John. Do you always walk around with that in your pocket?
Oi! You use language like that again, son, you'll wish you hadn't.
- Sorry, Dad. - Right, well, put the rest of the stuff in that.
You can go home in a plastic bag tonight.
You owe what you owe and by the time this tan's faded
you wanna have paid.
- You never wanna pay. - Who would pay for shit?
Yeah, exactly, I mean...
- Well, what the hell are you doing here? - Why, what's up?
Let me guess. My foot in your arse.
Game of cards? Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be getting your rest in, boy.
You playing cards tonight, son?
- With Harry? - Oh, don't be silly, Dad.
I wouldn't have anything to do with that.
Where did he get 100 grand?
He's got some adhesive mates, they're like brothers. They've tossed up between them.
And JD is his dad and owns the whole property?
No mortgage, no debts - lock, stock, the fucking lot.
Don't you worry, Harry, I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this under control now.
Lord Appleton-Smythe has run out of money and these beauties are up for auction.
But I'm not paying a quarter of a million quid,
if you know what I mean, Barry.
Make sure we get everything from inside the gun cabinet.
I don't want to know who you use as long as they're not complete muppets.
And don't tell them what they're worth, Barry.
- Right, where was we? - Shotguns?
What, like guns that fire shot?
Oh, you must be the brains. That's right. Guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet.
There'll be a load of old guns, that's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet, you can keep. It's yours.
Oh, thank you very much. There'd better be something there for us.
It's a fucking stately home. Of course there'll be something there.
- Like what? - Like fucking antiques.
Antiques? What the fuck do we know about antiques?
- We rob post offices. - And steal cars.
What the fuck do we know about antiques?
If it looks old, it's worth money - simple.
So stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
So who's the guv? Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me is all you need to know.
You know because you need to know.
I see. One of those on a "need to know" basis things, is it?
Like one of those James Bond films.
Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.
Right, I'm off. Call me when you're done. Ta-ra.
Fucking Northern monkeys.
I hate these fucking Southern fairies.
Ed has been playing cards since he could lift them up
and he discovered he had an advantage.
It's not that he's good with cards or even good at counting them.
It's that he's good with reading people's reactions, no matter how subtle.
And everybody has reactions.
- Especially when it comes to money.
- Invitations. - Invitations?
Yeah, invitations. You know, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on.
We've got 100,000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on. Will that do?
All right, just you. The others, they can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's? You mean the pub. Hold on. They...
Hold onto your fucking tongue and I will hold onto my patience, OK, sonny?
No one in here tonight but card players and I do mean no one.
Evening, Frazer. Don, Phil.
It's a bit dramatic, innit? Is this supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently it's for security.
Yeah? I'd've brought me gloves if I'd've known.
You must be Eddie, JD's son.
You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son. You just might meet him if you carry on like that.
Evening, Tanya. Been a while.
All right, Ed.
- Right. We call each other Kenny, OK, Gary? - All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on or what?
I just spent 220 quid on me hair. I'm not pulling a stocking over it.
You're gonna have to put something on.
This is three-card brag, gentlemen,
that means three threes are the highest, then three aces,
then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush, a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't see a blind man
and it will cost you twice the ante to see your opponent.
Now, don't fuck around. You know the rules and you know I won't stand for it.
Can I have three of your most refreshing drinks, please?
- How comes we end up in here? - I dunno.
But I don't think I mind.
...he's got past his marker...
- You sure you've got that TV up loud enough? - Leave it out, Bacon. He looks like a loony.
What are you doing? Put that back! We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back. It's crap, anyway.
Come on. Come'ead.
800.
Did you like that, did you, son?
When my knees stop knocking, I'll live with it.
400, blind.
Listen, ladies, this is cards.
Men play cards.
If you wanna talk soft, go to the fucking hairdressers,
so shut it and play.
- I'll fold. - 1,000, open.
What sort of pub's this, then?
It's a Samoan pub.
- What's that? - It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink.
I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest.
You could fall in love with an orangutan in that.
You want a pint, go to the pub.
- I thought this was a pub. - It's a Samoan pub.
Whatever. Can you get your man to turn the TV down?
You can ask him. I'd leave him well alone.
Here, get rid of that. Bring us a Diet Coke.
Excuse me. Can you turn that TV down?
No.
Ooooh!
2,000.
2,000, blind.
You what? Two grand blind?
You've been eating too much British beef, mate. You're bonkers, mad.
Well, are you gonna play?
Fucking right I'm gonna play.
Three grand - there.
Four thousand's an open man. You know that.
You do know how to play this game, don't you, Donald?
The reason I've only put in half the ante is because I don't know what I've got.
Now, you play or you fold.
- Fold. - Fold?!
Is that the only word they taught you at school, Donald?
No, Phil.
They also taught me the word "cunt".
Whoa! Whoa, Kenny! What are you doing?
I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
You twat. Can't you see these people have got no money?
They can't even afford new furniture.
We've got the guns. What's the matter with you?
Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet.
You wanna be more careful, old fella.
You nearly took my man's head clean off with that.
You all right, Kenny?
Kenny?
Ten grand, blind.
Twenty grand, open.
The deep end, eh? Fold.
Gotcha.
20 grand, open.
I fold.
Don't go spending that all at once, boy.
Cor. Bloody hell.
- What? - You said there'd be no staff, Barry.
- Did you get those guns? - You wanna see what they did to Gary.
Gary! Gary!
I said, did you get those guns?
Yes! We got them!
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Fucking Scouse cunts.
Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now, mate, OK?
Barry? Barry!
Fucking sodding shandy-drinking bastard.
Gary!
Give me my money! Give me back my money!
Give it back!
Wankers!
Fucking hell! Come on! Not now, please!
Oh, you fucking bastard.
Fuck... you bastard.
Oh, my good God. We'll take you to the cleaners.
20 grand, open.
30,000. Back to you already, Eddie.
50 grand.
80 grand.
- 100 grand. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Look, fellas, I know... - I know you’re not in,
which means no one cares what you know.
250.
That's quite a raise.
That's 150 on my 100.
Yeah. Is there anything else you want to say?
As you know, this puts us in an awkward position.
I don't have enough to continue.
We will have to see both your cards if no one loans Eddie the money.
It's a loan or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather just turn them over.
I'm not interested in what you would rather. I want to keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
So we don't have to turn them over because you can borrow.
I need 250 grand.
No. You need 500 grand to see me.
That's if I want to see you.
Well, you're gonna have a problem carrying on, ain't you?
I'll see you.
For half a million?
Unless you're gonna accept 20 quid.
You still got a sense of humor.
That's not monkey nuts, son.
You can still fold.
I'll see you.
OK. Before I loan you this, I expect - if you lose, of course -
my money back within a week. Crystal?
That's Sunday, OK?
- Is that it? - Now let's see his fucking cards.
Hello, boy. Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash,
so I'm gonna give you one week to find it.
Otherwise, I will take a finger of each of you and your friends’ hands
for every day that passes without payment.
And then when you've run out of digits,
your dad's bar and who knows what then?
All right, my son?
This doesn't look good.
He then proceeded to explain the unfortunate position they were in.
Harry was going to start sizing up all their fingers in a week
because he knew there was no way Ed could settle that debt on his own.
Harry saw it as their money on the table so it was also their debt.
Ed could've kissed the old bastard for that.
If he'd said he wanted to settle the debt on his own, it would've been a lie.
I wish to Christ he would've let me settle the debt on my own.
- I'm gonna kill him. - Stop fucking about, Tom.
And think about what we're gonna do. Now, sit down.
What's all the fuss about, Harry? Why don't we just boycott the payment?
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.
Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson who worked for Harry.
It was rumored that he was on the take.
Harry invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job.
Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand,
which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber cock.
He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.
Now, that was seen as a pleasant way to go.
Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry. I'll think of something.
Golf. The best way to spoil a good walk.
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world
and I've got bigger teeth than you two.
I think he's trying to tell us something.
Perhaps not. Perhaps I should take another swing just to make sure.
- Give me a five-iron, John. - Certainly, Dog.
Now keep still.
Yes, Gordon? Is there something you'd like to tell us?
- It's in the fireplace. - Shut it, you idiot, he'll kill...
- Yes, Gordon? - It's in the fireplace.
Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace, Plank. Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.
Oh, Dog, you'll want to have a look at this.
- You gonna let me down now? - Nah. I'm not finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help! Help! Help!
Oh, Dog!
You have to decide who the winner...
Who the hell's that? It's only 12 o'clock.
Use the cage, that's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security for a reason, Willie.
Chill, Winston.
It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep, you know, fellas.
All right. Easy.
Jesus!
Never saw you there. Hello, love.
Enjoying yourself?
- Is she compos? - What do you think?
Boo!
- Fuck me! - Clean that up, Charles.
- Sod you. You clean it up. - That stupid cow scared the life out of me.
Never mind. Can you, er... just sit down? Stay out the way?
Look, how much is it you want?
I'm, er... after a halfweight.
Right, well, that's 1,500, then.
Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually seeing the money?
The odds are 100-1.
All we need is five grand.
I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking-horse.
The odds are 100-1 for a good reason, Bacon. It won't win.
Where's Eddie?
Where do you think? The bottom of a bottle and has been for two days.
- It's hit him hard. - Yeah, it's hit us all hard.
- He's got to tell his dad he's losing his bar. - Listen to this one.
You open up a company called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club.
- You what? - You take out an advert in some gay mag
advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos.
You sell it with, I don't know, "Does what no other dildo can do until now,
the latest and greatest in sexual technology, guaranteed results," all that bollocks.
Now, these dills cost 25 quid a pop.
That's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipient
but they send their cheques to the other company name - nothing offensive, er...
Bobby's Bits or something - for 25 quid.
You take that 25 quid, you stick it in a bank until it clears.
Now this is the smart bit.
You send back the cheque for £25 from the other company name,
Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club,
saying we're sorry and we couldn't get the supplies from America.
Now you see how many people cash that cheque. Not a single soul.
Because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse?
- How long do you have to wait for the return? - Four weeks.
A month? So what fucking good is that if we need it in six - no, five days?
- Well, it's still a good idea. - All right. I've got one for you.
Look, he set us up, right?
Which means he put money into us, which means he expects some money out.
Don't have to be an economist to work that out.
He may know we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit
but he can't have any idea how much hard currency we've accumulated.
I don't know. Do you know?
We can just slice it off the top.
You guys've got to realize who this chap is.
He might look a bit silly but he's a fucking lunatic.
If he gets the slightest inkling we're not throwing straight dice,
then you and me are gonna know what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.
Yeah, but I mean, we're in this for the cash however it comes.
So you know these geezers well?